Borderline Successful: Recovery, in public (Did you eat today?)
Content warning: eating disorder / disordered eating (discussion of food habits, body image, and recovery).
contextual note: I had a gastric sleeve (weight loss surgery) in 2019. In 2022, I was diagnosed with anorexia. I still technically carry that diagnosis.
Honesty is a virtue & a chance.
What did you have for lunch today?
Was it a Coke?
Was it half of a Coke?
Did you eat a pack of cookies from the work snacks cabinet (because all that’s left are cookies) and count that as some breakfast, technically?
When I say this out loud, I wonder if it scares people or sounds reasonable. Recently, on a date, I said I wanted to order empanadas, and my date asked, with genuine concern, “Did you eat today?”
It’s not a rude or unkind question. But it carries this silent acknowledgment of what’s in the room with us. “Did you eat today?”
I got defensive. Then offended. I stood accused and vilified. “Of course!” It was a lie, but honestly, I couldn’t remember. Which usually means I haven’t.
What if I’d said no? I still got empanadas and a very 30-year-old drink: a St. Germain spritz. They didn’t keep probing or show that same alarm for the rest of the date, probably because of my accidental lie. I’m not secretive; I just don’t remember when yesterday was, all the time. The days look alike now.
I like them. I’m also sort of a free agent right now. Which means: more people, more eyes, more chances for my habits to become visible. What if they find them strange? I’m probably overthinking. It’s okay to agree with that, by the way.
To be seen is to be known.
At what point am I too thin? I remember what I looked like in 2022. That was bad. But I wasn’t around anyone who knew me well enough to notice.
They knew I wasn’t eating after a while. They knew I was hiding in my room, afraid to use the kitchen for no justifiable reason beyond starving myself. I was moody and weak, and I’d go hours saying, “Oh, I’m not hungry,” because it wasn’t a lie.
Have I eaten today, as I write this on this day?
No.
I had a pack of cookies for breakfast and half a Coke for lunch.
Later, a friend is bringing me a sandwich, though. She’s a dear. It’s easier to eat when someone I love has given it to me. I want to eat as much as I can stand for them. It will be my only meal of the day. She doesn’t know that.
I keep thinking about my date’s question because it was gentle. Not suspicious. Not mean. Not even really about food. It was about attention, about how fast a person can learn your patterns when they like you.
And there’s something perverse about having an eating disorder in front of people. Like I’m doing a private little ritual in plain sight and hoping nobody names it. I feel exposed and sneaky at the same time.
Well, what happens when the person asking “Did you eat today?” is someone I want to keep around? Maybe moving forward is telling the truth more often. Maybe it’s letting it be awkward. Maybe it’s learning how to be witnessed with my shoulders down.
Closing
Quick check-in: Did you eat today? Did you have water? Did you take one full breath?
If not, consider this permission, not pressure, to do one small kind thing for yourself after you close this.
And if this hits close, you’re not alone: honesty sets you free, and being seen can be a kind of relief.
Thanks for reading.
Atila
Bluesky: https://atilacore.bsky.social/
Contact: [email protected]
